why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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