you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
