I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
