I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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