Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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