I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
