I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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