There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
