Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Buhtt sex?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
