I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
