Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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