the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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