so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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