i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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