Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
