Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
