Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
