she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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