You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
