apparently the secret to your success is patron
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
