I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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