There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
