I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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