I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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