Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize