What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
