watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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