It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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