you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
