a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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