My first STD was from a foam party
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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