How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
