U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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