How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize