Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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