I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
