note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
