You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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