Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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