Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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