I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
