Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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