8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
