I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
