Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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