Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
3pm strippers are depressing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
