Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
