I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I still have a little drunk in my system
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
