my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
