I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
