u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
