How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
