I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
