Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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