Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
