I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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