I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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