So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
